Error! Wrong Answer!

"Mom, why do we have to move?" 
"How many more Sunday's will we be here?" 
"Why do I have to make friends, we'll just move anyway?"
"What will my friends do without me, I always help them up when they fall?"
"Mommy, ask God to make them (friends) not be sad when I leave, can you do that?"
"Can God give them a good friend like me when we're in China?"

These are just some of the questions that have come up over the past week from my kiddos, particularly Eli and Anastasia, who are more aware of the upcoming move.

My first inclination is to try and answer all those questions, which come out at other times besides just before a transition. I do my best to give answers that are sufficient, true, understandable...and somehow the answers pale in comparison to the emotions and thoughts that are behind them. In the back of my head I hear a buzzer going off signalling, 'error, error, wrong answer!' There is always more stuff inside my kids that are being manifested through the questions they ask and their behaviour.

The head of our Sunday school came to me today with a problem about Eli. One of his teachers, Mr. Bruce (great teacher!) has noticed that over the past couples of weeks Eli's behaviour and mood is all over the place. He knows it's attributable to the time of transition we are in. He doesn't know what to do, how to respond. So that was the question from Ms. Debbie. How should they respond to Eli when he starts to lose control of his emotions yet is trying to exert control over anything he can because his level of control in his life is diminishing for the time being?

Hard to teach them what to do when I'm still learning. But here's what I've learned so far: patience, grace, understanding, and time, lots of time. It is much easier to answer the questions my kids have and to exercise more control over them and how they behave than it is to sit and start asking my own questions of them.

How are you feeling about us moving?
Are you afraid?  Are you sad?
Do you wish we could stay?
Who will you miss most?
What will you miss?
Will it be hard to leave school on the last day?

All of these questions, asked usually while snuggling in my bed or theirs, often lead to more of their own questions but, also, they lead to naming and identifying some of the emotions they are feeling.

Eli begins to link some of his feelings with his behaviour and there is a certain calmness that blankets him, the peace of God, as he understands why he feels what he feels, that it's normal, that Jeff and I feel those feelings to, and that getting them out is better than keeping them in.
Ana begins to understand why she feels what she feels. She's angry because she's sad. She's sad because she'll miss her friends. She's sad because she's happy about seeing her friends from China. And their is a certain calmness that claims her, the peace of God again, as she is able to identify what she is feeling.

The emotions are still present but have lost their control over them, mostly! This is the right answer to their questions. Sometimes a direct answer is what they are looking for, but more often, there are deeper questions needing to be addressed. It is one of the most tiring things for me to do and tends to scramble my own thoughts and emotions. But when I take the time with patience and grace, the buzzer in the back of my head is gone. I know that I've given them the right answers, or at least some of the right answers.

This doesn't help Mr. Bruce or Ms. Debbie in the short run. Maybe next time I'll be able to do a bit of teaching. It'll help my kids, and any kid going through their own time of transition be it a new baby in the house, a divorce, a remarriage...But that's three years a way! By then, hopefully, I'll better know what I'm talking about!

Good Hellos Start with Good Goodbyes

 The process of starting off on the right foot in Xining (pronounced she-ning) started one week ago. Allowing my kids to spend time saying goodbye to their teachers and classmates was difficult but necessary. While they may certainly see those adults and children again around church, the social group (ie their class) they each belonged to will never be together again. Teaching them how to have closure in their young lives is something I never envisioned doing. The same thing will happen with their elementary school classes and their Sunday school classes. Goodbyes will also happen with their family. Already they have said goodbye to their cousins, an aunt and an uncle. Enabling our children to say goodbye, to grieve what and who they are saying goodbye to...that is for me one of the hardest parts of this life. I'm learning that part of enabling our children to say goodbye is to model good goodbyes ourselves. It is painful in the present but healthy in the long run.
So it leaves me here: enjoying celebrating the Christmas season with friends and family while walking through a season of goodbyes. A jumbled mess of emotions running through my heart and somehow helping my kids with their own thoughts and feelings. May wisdom and mercy, love and grace, flow in my life for this time.